Collapse

I keep thinking that things will slow down, bu they haven't really done so. Of course, I could amend that sentence to "I keep thinking that I will slow down, but I haven't really done so", and it would be just as applicable. I've been going, going, going and had a lot on my mind.

I came home from work and was feeling tired, so I decided to take a nap. I woke up two hours later. I felt better but what does it say that I needed that much sleep at that point in the day to recharge?

The thing is, I know that I'm pushing myself to the limit, sometimes when it's unnecessary, yet I keep at it. I need to ease up, even if some of my consumption of time is doing stuff I enjoy and want to do.

And perhaps that's where I can reinsert knitting back into the routine. I've not done any in awhile because I've been pulled a zillion other directions and haven't made time for it. If this isn't the moment to resume, I don't know when is.

Deep breath

Tick, tick, tick. So much to do, so little time to do it. I don't know where all that time has gone. This is feeling like a lost month in a lost year.

Maybe I'll feel less hurried once I get to the airport next week and hop on a plane to Dallas. At that point the tasks at hand will be done or they won't. Either way, they will have been dealt with.

I know that the holidays are typically a busy time and December is always jammed due to what I do. For whatever reason it feels like it's reached critical mass this year in particular.

Will it all work out? Probably. It's getting there that is the difficult part.

Moving the mountain

So today is the final day of November. I know December is going to be insanely busy and already feel like there isn't enough time to accomplish everything on my mental list. I'm going to try not to sweat it.

This time of year should not be when everyone gets stressed out, so how about I not add to it but rather accept that there's only so much that can be done? Sure, it won't hurt to set goals, but many of the items that I'd like to cross off the checklist aren't essential. I can set the bar high, but as long as I make progress, that ought to be good enough.

Yeah, I know that embracing such an attitude is easier said than done, but it's probably a healthier way of attacking the mountainous list. Care to join me? I bet we'll all feel better a month from now.

Worrywart

I'm going to postpone today's intended blogging topic until tomorrow. In its place is something that has been on my mind.

I've written about the intense amount of stress I've been under for about the last month, so I won't go into detail with all that again. Suffice it to say that the work uncertainty and pressures coupled with the noise from the neighboring apartment was a bad combination.

It wasn't enough that I felt lousy. I was also letting my tendency to worry get the best of me. Some pains had me half convinced that maybe I was having some heart problems. A couple spots on my chest surely were indications of some kind of skin cancer. Did I really believe what I would let my imagination concoct? Not necessarily, but I was concerned enough to schedule an appointment to see the doctor. I probably haven't had a regular appointment--in other words, not a follow-up--in something like twenty years. That should say all there is to say about my fear.

My two main concerns proved to be unfounded. My EKG was described as textbook. The doctor's conclusion--and my suspicion when I was being rational--is that muscle tightness in my shoulder is responsible for the pain I've had off and on. The moles (or whatever) are nothing to be worried about. We'll see if the blood work results turn up anything, but my expectation is that they will not.

I had already started to feel a little better after scheduling the appointment, and gradually I've been feeling more "normal" as the work news became less worrisome (which isn't to guarantee it will remain that way). I've had three days where it seems like I'm OK or like I expect to be.

The obvious conclusion then is that I worried myself into feeling bad. I'm not surprised by this--I felt like a wreck long enough--but I am taken aback that my state of mind can have such a profound affect on my physical comfort. If ever there was a lesson about fretting, this was one.

Obviously it's easier said than done when it comes to acknowledging that I should worry less. Old, deeply ingrained habits are hard to break, but if there's anything I've learned today or in the past week, it's that I need to let go of those fears. I'm not doing myself any favors otherwise.

A break in the clouds

Lately I've been feeling like Charlie Brown being followed by a storm cloud. I've been on the receiving end of a lot of discouraging news regarding work. Today it appears that all the doom and gloom may be lifting.

OK, how can I tiptoe around specifics while conveying the information...

My boss's conversation with someone at the place that ended the contract was surprised that we were unaware of this matter and claims to be working on a new contract. (This sort of contradicts something a higher-up there said in another conversation, but I have no reason to expect this individual is playing games.) In the event that an agreement isn't worked out by the end of the year, this person understood it that things would continue under the old terms until new ones are determined.

While this isn't set in stone, it certainly seems that we are no longer at DEFCON 1 level. That in and of itself is an enormous relief. I suppose things could collapse, but for now I'm going to take this as a positive sign. It's beyond time for one.

Aftermath

I won't be blogging about neighborly noise tomorrow--I'll be in Cincinnati for the Reds playoff game--but humor me one more day on the topic.

Yesterday I wrote about asking my neighbors to turn down their subwoofer. All was generally good for most of the night, or as good as I figure I can request, until the later hours hit. Sure enough, I'm in bed and an additional set of walls away when the booming sound of the bass punches through. It's going after midnight. It's going after 1 a.m.

I went into my living room, and to be fair, it wasn't as loud as they've had it in the most objectionable instances. The problem is that the low frequency carries very easily. Do they now think that because they've turned it down that they can keep it on all hours of the night? Were they trying to provoke me, as it did seem like it would go up louder for a moment and then return to still audible but softer level? (If you think I'm paranoid, you didn't read about when I tried to deal with a similar problem four years ago. Addressing the issue made it several times worse.)

Since I have Monday off for a holiday, I've been at the office most of the day finishing the large amount of work I needed to do. I'm still here writing this now, in part because I worry about going home and having the same racket going on. I'll be gone the next day or two, leading to who knows what kind of sound system blasts that may be deemed acceptable in their minds because I don't say anything. Already ground down, this is turning me into a powder.

I don't need this, especially on top of everything else. Yes, I should stand my ground, but it seems like doing so doesn't yield positive results. I'm just bitching at this point, but I need to get it out. Sorry for all the melodrama.

The talk

After getting some advice about how to deal with the neighbors and noise problem, I decided to attempt a face-to-face conversation rather than printing a letter and putting it on their door. I dreaded it for the better part of the day and practiced what I was going to say as I drove home. I wanted to pick my words carefully and feel less nervous by having a script of sorts.

I knocked on their door and...of course no one was home. It wasn't much longer after that when I heard them return, and I deliberated over whether to make another attempt. I decided I needed to do it, much as I didn't want to.

Best as I can tell, there are two young women who live there. I'd guess that they are either in college or recently out of it, although it seems like they're around all the time, which goes against all assumptions. At first I didn't think anyone was going to answer the door, but finally one of them cracked the door about as wide as her face. (This could have been to keep either of their dogs from getting out or a reflection of her uncertainty about this stranger outside.)

I introduced myself, apologized for bothering her, and rushed through my piece. She didn't say more than a couple words and didn't introduce herself. "OK" may have been the extent of it.

Early results seem to indicate that while it may not be possible to keep the throbbing bass from my ears completely, at least it seems like they are keeping it to what I'll call a tolerable level. I can hear it, but it's not dominant in my apartment like it has been for the past couple months. I can watch TV without feeling like it's breaking my concentration. In other words, it's at least semi-ignorable. I don't imagine I can get it lower than that. While I don't want to hear it at all, I realize that is an unreasonable stance.

I know I bring my stress from the noise issues at my previous apartment, not to mention the other stress weighing me down. I jumped in my place this evening when I heard another door shut. I'm on pins and needles. I don't need additional aggravation in the form of a combination jackhammer-jet engine in the neighboring apartment. Please be gone.

So the commenter and Twitter followers persuaded me to change my approach, and it would appear that they recommended the right strategy. Now we'll see how long this lasts or if my car doesn't end up keyed.

Living on the edge

When it comes to my job, the problematic issues are generally the same and have been for a number of years. (Pardon me for being extremely general here.) Things can be quiet for a bit, but eventually something triggers someone, and the heat is on, oftentimes over things that aren't really our fault. It can be aggravating and stressful--some times more than others--and there's always the sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop. A few years ago these issues were persistent, and while the future may not have been uncertain, there was at least reason to think it could be.

So when a new issue from a different direction popped up, I did not take it so well. My reaction mainly took the form of worrying, which I am ever so good at. Hey, I was already fretting about other unrelated stuff, so why not add something new and unexpected to the mix? That'll give the fear a boost. Put it over the weekend and not talk about it with anyone, and I'm set for letting my mind run wild.

I'll concede that my impulse is to expect the worst and to extrapolate something bigger and badder from something that may not be as dire as I imagine it to be. This quality isn't necessarily a good thing to have, but it can be beneficial in my job, which might be described as metaphorical fireman.

Things have been extremely busy lately, and I was already feeling somewhat beaten down in a few ways. This new weight on my mind was not welcome. I had the old brain spinning in search of a solution and think I might have one or two to present at a meeting tomorrow. That has me feeling better, but waiting to see how it's received has me anxious.

I've spent a lot of time living on the edge--or at least feel like I have--so in a way I ought to be used to it by now. I don't know that that's much comfort. Anyway, if I seem highly distracted, there's your explanation.