Gratefulness for the wish never granted

If I haven't said it here before, I will say it now: in retrospect I was very lucky when I finished college and did not get a job doing what I wanted to do. I wanted to work in radio, first in an on-air capacity and eventually as a program director. I think I would have or could have been good at it, an immodest statement that's hard for me to write, but it's not where life led me. Thank God for that.

I used the shotgun approach to send tapes and résumés across the country, but the best I could do was land a single interview. I was offered that one full-time job, a peanuts-paying gig that would have relieved my initial post-college anxiety, but turned it down because it didn't feel like the right situation...and the salary was insultingly low. For nearly two years I continued to search, although I can't remember how much of that time I was actually looking for radio work. Probably less and less as time passed.

Perhaps deep down I knew I wasn't cut out for the crap that goes along with it. I am not the life of the party. There's a good chance I may not even be at the party. More importantly, I was determined not to be phony, whether in the form of giving opinions I didn't believe, condescending to base impulses, or compromising who I am. My image would be who I felt reflected me, not an alternate me in scare quotes. For instance, years later I did some unpaid film critic work on the radio and pulled the plug on one recurring morning show appearance because I didn't care for the tone of the program and what they wanted me to be.

I was reminded of my feelings about the industry's demands when I read the thoughts of a Cincinnati sportswriter, who also hosted an AM sports talk show, about being unceremoniously canned by the station. He expresses a lot of the criticisms I have, especially of that station in particular, which trafficks in self-righteous outrage and faux populism. I will listen from time to time because it's where I can hear about the Reds and the Bengals even if the manner of the discussion inflames me.

All these years later I suppose there's still a lot of that Holden Caulfield phoniness fighter in me. I co-host a television show, now in its thirteenth year, and I feel that who people see on that program is basically who I am. I try to be conversational, but I don't dumb myself down either. I hope that people understand that my earnestness and rigorousness are signs of respect for the audience and not displays of arrogance. For the time being I'm also filling in once every two weeks to gather and deliver the news. It's a chance for me to realize my lofty ideal of what the news should be rather than what it often is.

I must acknowledge that I do not have any commercial concerns (ratings, advertisers, etc.) in either of these endeavors, although I don't think I'm doing anything unconventional, except possibly by the standards of what businesses say is successful.

Miraculously, I am doing something in the vicinity of what I wanted to do at the age of 21. Frankly, though, I fell into a position that is a lot better than what I desired and more in tune with what I think is important. We've all heard be careful what you wish for. Sometimes things have a weird way of working out when those wishes aren't granted.